Dear Luna
by Pianoplunkster
Summary: Let Luna Lovegood answer all your questions on life, curses, and love! Rated T to be safe
1. Chapter 1

**LR: Whee! New story! (dances with joy)**

**And it's even more special because I have a friend to help me! (Drags excentricismyname into uncomfortably bright spotlight)**

**This is the way it works: you ask your questions in the review, we'll answer to the best of our abilities and post them in the next chapter. Now post, my pretties, post!**

_Dear Luna-_

_I love this boy who loves this other girl who loves this other boy who loves this other girl who's a lesbian. WHAT DO I DO?_

_- Not Just Another Sex Kitten_

Dear Sex Kitten-

Get hung up on another guy. The Ministry will be looking for you soon because they have hordes of people with sexual tension working in their midst and every third Friday they take one and probe them with hornknuckles to see what their problem is. Trust me; you don't want to know what hornknuckles are.

-Luna Lovegood-

_Dear Luna-_

_I'm hopeless when it comes to defensive spells, so people are always picking on me. What should I do?_

_-Mr. I Ain't Doin' It Rite_

Dear Mr. I Ain't-

My suggestion is that you join the D.A. Everyone in it is so lovely (except for Smith) and Ginny is always stopping people from calling me Loony Lovegood. However, if you aren't interested in joining the D.A., I think that you should ask Harry Potter for help. He's such a nice boy…. Do not take lessons from the Ministry as they will either use very Dark Powers to suck your Powers out through your right index finger or brainwash you to join the Minister's private army.

- Luna -Don't call me Loony- Lovegood-

_Dear Luna-_

_I have the funniest feeling that I'm always being watched. People call me paranoid, but I can't shake the feeling. Is this normal?_

_-Always looking over my shoulder_

Dear Always-

This is very common, due to the fact that Helmps stalk us all the time. Just throw a pinch of dandruff over your shoulder and it should go away. Don't know where to get dandruff? Follow Sean Stewgood around with a little baggie. Or, if you're really desperate and have no way to get accesses to Sean, say this charm three times a day:

_I like boogies, I like dandruff, _

_I don't like the Helmp in my pants,_

_so before it starts getting too rough_

_begone, Helmps, or I'll start to dance!_

Does it really work?... How should I know? It should though; the Weasley twins gave it to me.

-Luna Lovegood-

_Dear Luna-  
I'm Voldemort's illegitimate daughter. I have just one friend, and am scared to death of losing him. We're both Ravenclaws, so maybe he'll be smart enough to remember that I'm not quite like my sire. But still, I don't know whether or not to tell him. What do you think?  
-Secretly-A-Riddle_

Dear Secretly-  
Get a new identity and perhaps a bit of Polyjuice potion. If the Ministry finds out your true identity, they'll hold you hostage to force You-Know-Who to relinquish his power, though I doubt He-Who- Must-Not-Be-Named would care since you seem to be his opposite. Or, even better, go live with the giants! They won't care whose child you are.  
Best wishes,  
Luna Lovegood

P.S. Who's your mother?

_Dear Luna-_

_I woke up this morning with a terrible headache that won't go away. What would you recommend I do about it?_

_Sincerely,_

_-Damn, my head hurts!_

Dear Head Hurts-

Oh dear. It seems that you have received the subtle but very nasty Bangwalloper Curse. While not really harmful (except for the headache, of course!) it's very irritating and hard to get rid of. I would suggest trying to locate the caster of this curse and banging him or her on the head. This reverses the spell and turns the curse back upon the curser.

-Luna Lovegood-

_Dear Luna-  
OMG Evry1 tlks lyke this in mi house n' i fink its a kurs wat shud i do bout it!111!11!1!_

_-MisFortuniate_

Dear MisFortuniate,

My suggestion is that you get a nice dictionary and Muggle classes in English. I rather doubt it is a curse but an unfortunate meeting with a Hempalimp that has stalked your family for generations. Feed it some almanacs and it should go away.

-Luna Lovegood-

_Dear Luna- _

My sister gave me new shoes for my birthday and now my left foot has turned into a walrus. What do I do?

Yours,  
Tusky

Dear Tusky-  
Perhaps those were the shoes of Stanwick "Happy Feet" Harris. You're lucky that it was only one foot... I hear that his whole lower half used to turn into a tail, and then he'd go swimming off into the horizon. That's how the rumors of mermaids came up among sailors, doncha know.  
But that's beyond the point! Let's see... flips through past issues of _The Quibbler_ According to Miss Steffie Flumpton, wait for a week, then try to coax the walrus to come off your foot with fish. If it doesn't work... I suggest St. Mungo's.  
Best wishes  
-Luna Lovegood

_Dear Luna, _

Why do my toe nails always puncture holes in my socks, even though I just clipped them as short as they can be clipped?

Clipped Off

Dear Clipped-  
Don't be silly! They're not toenails; you seem to have acquired the Tenacious Tusk fungus in a weird place. This fungus is named for the way it grows on teeth and makes it appear as if the unfortunate has grown tusks. How the fungus got on your foot, I don't want to know. However, the solution is simple: simply dip your foot in hydrochloric acid and the fungus will die. Be careful, though; hydrochloric acid tends to sting a bit...  
-Luna Lovegood


	2. err trolls?

**Eccentricismyname- well I know it's been awhile and that certain people have been waiting for Luna's very original answers to their question but here I finally have updated and Lady Rosinsniffer will too. This delay of course is mostly my fault as I forgot to put all the questions and answers into their own little word document. I take full responsibility (waits for the eggs and tomatoes to be thrown)…and I would like to thank everyone who reviewed and/or sent in questions (ah my suck uppyness should keep me safe from the eggs and tomatoes. LOL). Oh and our secret to getting down Luna's personality is simple, we're just as crazy as she is maybe a little more. **

**LR: Well, you're a lot crazier than I am, nyah nyah. I'm just more perverted. (hugs Love Hina )**

**I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible… Mom… Dad… that dude over at the 7-11 store… okay, not that guy. Without your reviews, this story would not be possible. I… I love y'all! (blows kisses and gets all teary-eyed)**

_This is the way it works: you ask your questions in the review, we'll answer to the best of our abilities and post them in the next chapter. I promise a surprise with every post I get… I.E. a big smiley face in your honor! (And of course a thank you!)_

**Disclaimer: You have some serious issues if you think I own Luna or any of the other characters mentioned. The fabulous J.K. Rowling, who I shall someday sell my soul to meet or perhaps even spot her on the street, owns them all. Also, my scrap of paper went well on Ebay, I got 25 cents! But now I own nothing in my name.**

**LR: But I own Ron! He is MINE! My precious! Muahahaha… Wait, nope, he still belongs to JK. And Hermione. Grrrr.**

_Dear Luna, __  
__I like this guy but when I try to get within ten feet of him, it's like __  
__there's an invisible wall keeping me away! What do you think is __happening?__  
__Sincerely, __  
__Repelled_

Dear Repelled-  
It's obvious that you have some rivals for this guy's affection. The Obnoxious Obstruction curse would be my guess. However, if you know the counter curse, it's easily gotten rid of: make a voodoo doll of your rivals and stick them full of pins. This will warn them off and break the curse.  
-Luna Lovegood

Dear Luna,  
My brother joined the Aurors, and I fear the Rotfang Conspiracy. How can I make him see the light without subjecting him or anyone else to gum disease?  
Help!  
Toofie Twinkie

Dear Toofie Twinkie-

Do you eat a lot of Twinkies? Your name suggests you do. I would say that if your brother is an Auror you have a lot more to fear than tooth decay. Like if your brother has sexual tension toward many of his co-workers. You could, of course, simply tell him that if he works as an Auror you will join the Dark Side (Star Wars…. Luke, I am our father…) and this shall piss him off to the point that he tells you that he shall not go and work for the Ministry and you shall be saved from gum disease. Or, you can get rid of the Imperius curse that the Ministry has so obviously encrypted in his brain. Whichever floats your boat.

-Luna Lovegood

_Dear Luna, __  
__Yesterday, my cousin turned me into a toad, and while I was trying to __  
__change myself back, I accidentally swallowed my wand! Now, I'm human__again, but I have a wand inside of me. What should I do?__  
__-Willow Wand Swallower_

Dear Swallower-  
I would _not_ suggest waiting for it to come out the natural way, as that would be rather...er... painful. Unless of course you like pain and plan to grow up and be a damamatrix. I suggest that you go to The Three Broomsticks and find the drunk by the name of Mundungus Fletcher, who in most cases will laugh his ass off and send you on to anther drunk until one is able to give you a very illegal potion that will remove the wand from your system.  
- Luna Lovegood

_Dear Luna-  
My Quidditch socks smell worse than a fifteen-foot troll. How do I avoid it?  
-Desperately Seeking Noseplugs_

Dear Noseplugs-

I suggest you get a Nitllmierthumpskie, which has quite a fetish for stinky Qudditch socks. If you wish to keep your socks, I suggest the detergent called Bleach that Muggles use. This should work on the smell, but if they still stink I highly recommend the Nitllmierthumpskie.

-Luna Lovegood

Dear Luna-  
My mum keeps sending me owls. She's worried about my safety. Do you think she's being cursed or something because she has never ever written me before (I do not even get a card on my birthday). How do I tell her that I'm fine and to stop worrying?  
-Being smothered by Mum

Dear Being Smothered-

I have never had this problem, and nor will I because I lost my mother at an early age (she died in a fatal potions accident) but many of the girls in my dorm have complained about this problem. It seems that since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was finally recognized to have risen again, many a parents have done this thing, but it's actually love. I'm sure you may not appreciate her smothering, but try to realize it's because deep down inside she really does care and that the recent events in the Wizarding and Muggle Worlds alike have gotten her to realize how much you mean to her. If this is the case, tell her to back off because you're a teen and 'Mommy' doesn't need to hold your hand any more because you're a right old big girl (**AN: Mommy wow! I'm a big kid now)**. However, this may cause her to say how childish that really sounds. Then I must say that you should run like hell before she punishes you.

If she is, however, under a curse and your pleading for her to give you space doesn't work, just snap your fingers 10 times, tap your red high-heeled Dorothy shoes and chant, "Blah, Boom, Blah, Boom! Get rid of this gosh darn curse its making my life a living hell!" What's that you say? Why yes, it's another Weasley spell! How did you know?

-Luna Lovegood

_Dear Luna-  
I usually wake up early in the morning and go for a walk in my back yard. This morning when I went outside, I saw a Dark Mark floating over my roof! The Ministry has cut off my floo access, I don't have a broomstick and there are big fire monsters guarding my front door. I tried to sneak out but they pushed me back in. What should I do?  
--A Trapped Squib who Likes Squids_

Dear Trapped Squib-

Try throwing a bucket of water over the monsters and running like mad. According to a rather good Muggle movie, _The Wizard of Oz,_ it should work. Wait maybe that was supposed to be against witches… oh well, they're made of fire, aren't they? If not, make sure you have some garlic and ground-up snarkle powder at hand; it should ward off any unwelcome pursuers. As for the Dark mark, I say you revenge whoever died in your house, then join the D.A. or The Order of the Phoenix, depending on your age.

Best wishes,

-Luna Lovegood


End file.
